Lauren Wills - SA Resort Entry
My life had always been perfect, a dream even, until last year when it changed and would never be the same...
I was born into a close, sociable family as the middle child amongst an older sister and 2 younger brothers. My father always said that I was the smartest of them all but I never believed him. That was until I got top marks in the school and got accepted into university studying business and economics. Before heading off to uni I went to Africa on my gap year, helping conservationists. That’s when I met him. It’s strange even now to think about when I first met the man who would become my husband. He was full of energy all the time, always doing more then was necessary. At first I only saw him twice a day when we fed the elephants together. He found it funny that our names ‘matched’; Lauren and Lewis. A few months later we ended up sharing a room (don’t get excited, single beds) and that’s when I really got to know him for the kind, caring, funny, cheeky man he was. In the year we spent together, we became really good friends and we stayed in touch when I went back home.
I worked hard for 3 years at university, often receiving letters from Lewis. He decided not to go to university he instead stayed in Africa for another couple of years before getting an apprenticeship as a car mechanic. I graduated with distinction and when I got up on stage, I saw him in the crowd. It was one of the greatest moments of my life, not only graduating but looking up to see Lewis. As soon as we were allowed to go and see our friends and family I ran straight to him and he kissed me. Lewis actually kissed me. It felt like the ending scene of a movie, as if life could stop right there. The next 7 years were amazing, we were a couple. A few years later we got engaged and by the age of 29 I was getting married to him in the middle of an African savannah. We were so happy, and so young.
We moved into an apartment in the city together so that I could get to work easier. I was reluctant as I didn’t want him to lose his job but he said he would find another one if it meant I could live my dreams as a ‘big city business woman’. Our new lifestyle did however have consequences. We only saw each other twice a day, like at the beginning. During my lunch break he would often make the hour-round trip into the city centre to see me at my offices and in the evening when I would arrive home late with lots of paperwork that needed to be done and a microwave dinner where I would usually find him asleep on the sofa in a failed attempt to wait up for me.
Our relationship definitely wasn’t in trouble, I knew that for sure, but it felt like we were living apart. Not like a married couple.
It was 16th December when Lewis became ill. Very ill. I got the call at work and went straight to the hospital. It was awful. As I went into the ward I was spooked, I tried my hardest to be brave for Lewis but it hurts to see someone you love somewhere like that. Nevertheless, he smiled weakly at me as I threw back the curtains surrounding his bed and collapsed at his side holding his hand. I remember so vividly him pressing his hand to my cheek and kissing my head as I asked the doctors a million questions. He stayed in over Christmas as tests were held and repeated, just to check they were right. When he was discharged the day after boxing day, they told us the news. That Lewis was terminal and would die. There was nothing they could do. He was 32. I was 31.
When we arrived home that evening we simply lied on the sofa together all night. Not talking, not watching TV, just lying there appreciating each other once more.
I decided that we needed to move back to where we first lived. Where his family lived and I could be there for him. This time it was him who was reluctant but I was able to persuade him. We had a buyer for our flat within days so immediately we started packing as we were just moving into his mother’s house. By the end of January though he was back in hospital, so my family as well as his helped me finish packing and move by our moving date, 16th February. This time he was in hospital for 2 months, coming out late March. The doctors said that he couldn’t work which meant we had to rely heavily on my job and his family. For the next year, I commuted into the city for 5 hours a day. The time we spent together was lower than ever and with Lewis’ condition worsening, I quit my job. It wasn’t a move I didn’t want to take but my husband and his health were more important than my job or money.
His mother, brother and I were his carers 24/7 as it was rapidly getting to a stage when he couldn’t eat or get dressed by himself. I felt the same as I did when I first saw him in hospital. Once when his mother and brother were out, me and Lewis sat in their living room sharing inside jokes and memories. Lewis went to pick up his glass of water but as he lifted it up, he began shaking violently and dropped it on the floor. It smashed and cut his leg. He shouted in pain just as his mother walked in. She ran over to him pushing me out of the way subconsciously. I stood at the other side of the room, watching as she wrapped his leg up in a bandage. He smiled at me weakly and I left the room before I could cry.
He died on Christmas Eve. We were all there. My parents and siblings. His mother and brother. The local newspaper ran a story about how loved he was the next weekend. I read it at the funeral.
It was when I was sorting through his things that I found the rose he bought me on my graduation day. We had preserved it when we moved into the apartment and I remember it being on his bedside table in hospital. I tucked it under my pillow and left the house to buy a small rose bush that I planted in the garden. That’s where it started. My new hobby and passion for gardening. Every flower I plant makes me remember the rose. It’s my way of moving on. Learning to live without Lewis. That’s why I want to enter SA Resort. Up to this point I’ve lived off money from my family and well-wishers but in order to be me again I need to be independent. I don’t want to go back to the city, that part of my life is done and over; this part has only just begun.
